shining wisdom,funny translation

1.The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。

funny:我真不想伤害你,但你也别逼我。吾虽不杀伯仁,伯仁由我而死。

2.Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是:他们都很有规律地被替换,而且因为同一个理由——脏了

3.War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

战争不能决出正义,但能判出哪方出局.

4.Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果;智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。

funny:知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子,智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个篮子。

5.If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

funny:上帝瞅着咱们呢,大伙好歹喜感点吧

6.I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端,不是为了成为一个素食者。

7.Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

最好保持沉默,宁愿被看成是一个笨蛋,也不要回驳去消除疑虑。

funny:剽悍的人生不需要解释。

8.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

funny way:无愧于心哈?记性不好吧?

9.Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

如果女人能做到与秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女就能平等了。

10.The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

funny:小腿上的骨头——在黑房间里找准家具位置的好装备。

11.The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

小孩子要中间名,纯粹是为了让他知道他啥时候真的有麻烦了。

12.It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

funny:跳楼的时候,“啊——”的时候还没死,“啪!”那才是死了。

13.Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

好客就是:让客人觉得他们像在他们家一样,尽管你真的希望他们滚回他们家。

14.You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

funny:越活越2 / 活到老,2到老。

15.Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

记着吧……世界要不恶心,我们早被吐掉了。

16.If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

如果你始终脚踏实地,那就别想穿裤子了。

funny:人太老实没法活。

17.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

funny:世界总是在变,但我却怎么也便不出来。

人生何处不杯具,唯有面对饮水机。